


Not to be Used for Further Pranks

by Shoulder_Devil



Series: Adventures in Artefact Storage [1]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: April Fools Day, Gen, Pranks, Season 1, misuse of items from Artefact Storage, throwback to happier times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 12:07:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18314969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shoulder_Devil/pseuds/Shoulder_Devil
Summary: Tim plays a prank on the Archive staff.Set in season 1





	Not to be Used for Further Pranks

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, remember when Tim was happy and Sasha was alive? Here, have some of that!
> 
> Not beta'd

 

The noise was making it hard for Jon to stay on task. A posting on the door to the Archives warned of possible disturbances today and tomorrow, something about preventative maintenance on the air con. Jon hadn't bothered to read the whole thing opting to sequester himself in his office as soon as possible. Playing music, Bach - Partita No 2, had worked to drown it out at first but the noise was progressively getting worse.

Jon sighed and rubbed circles at his temples. It was getting on toward lunchtime and he’d barely worked through the notes on a single statement. He preferred to give Martin his privacy in the document room and with all the noise there was no chance any recording he did in his office would be salvageable. Maybe if he went to lunch the worst of it would be over by the time he got back.

Decision made, Jon closed his laptop and grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair. It was even louder in the main office and the research desks were empty save for Sasha. She sat facing away, hunched over her desk cradling a steaming mug of coffee in one hand and bouncing a pen off a notepad in the other.

“Sasha, I’m going to get out of here for a bit and get a bite to eat. Do you want--?” He raised his voice when she didn’t acknowledge him, “Sasha!”  

Still nothing.

“Sasha, are you alright?” He tapped her on the shoulder and she nearly startled out of her chair with a yelp.

She spun toward him, knocking his hand away but caught herself before smacking him in the chest. “Oh, Jon!” She steadied herself and pulled free her earbuds. “Sorry about that, I didn’t hear you.”

“That's quite alright. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you like that. I should have known you'd be wearing headphones what with all," he gestured vaguely in the air, "this.”

“It’s fine, we’re all a little high strung lately." She rubbed at an ear and winced. 

“I was about to go out for a bit. Where are the others?”

“Tim’s off doing research and Martin’s probably holed up in the documents room with a pillow or three over his head. Any idea what is going on?”

“Something about the air con, I think.”

“Are you sure? Doesn’t sound like it’s coming from the vents.” Sasha’s eyebrows narrowed in suspicion. “Now that I think about it, doesn’t sound like construction at all. It almost sounds like screaming.”

“What? No, that can’t be right.” For the first time since he’d heard it, the Archivist actually focused on the sound he’d spent his morning trying to ignore. “Oh, my god.” He breathed. “Where did you say Tim was again?”

“You don’t think--?”

“Call him.”

Sasha pulled out her phone and dialed Tim’s number. A few seconds later his ringtone chirped from the desk drawer opposite them.

“This isn’t good.” Jon swallowed heavily. “Go get Martin and the two of you get out of here.”

“Jon, whatever you’re planning I don’t like it.”

“I’ll be fine.”

She shook her head. “Have you seen a single horror movie? We’re not splitting up.”

“I-- Fine,” he relented. “Which way then?”

Sasha squinted and cocked her head. “I think it’s coming from deeper in the Archives.”

Jon nodded and led the way. The screaming, and it was definitely screaming, got louder as they went. It echoed in a way that made it difficult to track the exact source. The ominous flickering light at the end of the hall though, that was practically a flashing red arrow.

“Have our lives really become this cliche?” Sasha whispered, pulling up the torch app on her phone.

The Archivist brought up his own torch and crept forward. “It would seem so.”

Twin torch beams illuminated an odd shape sitting on the floor between the last set of shelves. It didn't appear to be moving or reacting to their presence in any way. A metallic dome covered in a regular pattern of holes reflected the light back at them. As they got closer Jon realized it was a colander perched atop a wooden box.  

“What on earth?”

“Whatever that is, I don’t think they’re using it to make pasta all the way down here.” Sasha joked.

“Hello?” Jon called out. “Who’s down here? Tim?”

The only response was the continued, wordless screaming.

“Well, so much for that.” Jon muttered. “Stay here and get ready to run.”

 _“Jon!”_ Sasha hissed. “Don’t you dare!”

“This isn’t exactly going to resolve on its own,” he said creeping forward.

The screaming was unmistakably coming from the box. It was too small to house a person, possibly some kind of speaker? Jon took some small comfort that the voice didn’t sound anything like Tim’s.

The Archivist took a deep breath and then another finally working up the nerve to reach out for the colander. In one quick motion he pulled it free of the box. He stumbling back with a cry, tripping over his own feet to land hard on his backside. Jon held the metal bowl in front of him like a shield as he scrambled backward on the floor.

“What is it!” Sasha called from behind him. She stepped forward to see the severed, screaming head in the box. “Oh, god. How is it doing that!? Where’s the rest of him?”

A bark of familiar laughter came from behind them. “April Fo--” Tim dodged out of the way, narrowly avoiding the colander Jon threw the moment he'd appeared. “Whoa! Careful, Jon. That could have taken my head off!” Tim dissolved into laughter at his own joke.

“What the hell, Tim!” Sasha smacked him in the chest with the back of her hand.

Tim stopped laughing long enough to gasp, “took you long enough to get here! You should have seen your faces!”

Jon pulled himself from the floor and brushed off his slacks, gathering what remaining dignity he had left. “Right, okay, fun’s over. You can make it stop now.”

“What?” Tim gestured to the earplugs he was wearing. “Can’t hear you, that thing’s bloody loud.”

 _“You can make it stop now!”_ Jon yelled.

“Can’t do that boss, it’s always screaming.”

“Then what--?” He threw up his hands in an exasperated sigh.

“Hold on.” Tim dug the insulated lid he'd tucked between the files and placed it atop the box, muffling the screams. A few moments later he’d done up the latches along the sides and the Archives were blessedly silent.

“Now that that’s done, care to do something about those lights before I get a full blown migraine?”

“Huh? Oh.” Tim pulled the wax plugs from his ears. “What was that?”

“The lights.” Jon pointed at the flickering bulb overhead then rubbed his eyes.

Tim reached up and twisted the bulb until a steady light filled the hallway. “Better?”

“Much. Now that's all done, I suggest we all get back before Martin realizes no one is in the office."

A wide grin split his face as Tim made to pick up the box. Jon waved him off before he could get to it.

"What you don't trust me, boss?"

"Not today."

"I suppose that's fair," he chuckled.

A note attached to the lid of the box caught the Archivist’s attention. It was the item description and catalogue number from Artefact Storage. Item 0147-B (S) to be exact. As soon as they reached the desks, Jon dug up a felt tip pen and wrote an addendum in all capital letters.

**_NOT TO BE USED FOR FURTHER PRANKS_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Screaming head and the phrase "Not to be used for further pranks" a reference to the Artefact Storage inventory page released as an extra on the Rusty Quill pateron.


End file.
